DC

I am in DC--Crazy!!!

What if...

What if he bids me:
"Come and die!;
Will I hold back?

What if he calls me:
"Lay down your life!"
Will I hesitate?

What if he tells me:
"Your life for my children!"
Will I question him?

What if he asks me:
"Fill up what is lacking!"
Will I dread the road?

What if he begs me:
"Lacking in the afflictions of Christ!"
Will I fear death?

What if he charges me:
"Take up your cross!"
Will I not bend my neck?

What if he commands me:
"Deny yourself and follow me!"
Will I not die?

I tell you the truth:

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Mt. 16:25

Can these wings fly

Something is holding me back
But what do I lack
More than anything I want to dare
These are my words to share

My soul wants to soar
My voice wants to roar
Oh, there must be more!

I am desperately afright
To fall from such height
Into a place void of light

Dreams are not meant to last
Passing by incredibly fast
Leaving us broken in a cast

Reality will quickly dawn
Casting out the funny fawn
All gone in one silly yawn

My soul wants to soar
My voice wants to roar
Oh, there must be more!

Can these wings fly
Carry me into the sky
Cannot know without a try
Suddenly my wings soar high

No, these dreams won't die!

Father Sequoia

One early morning I felt a deep urge to go into the woods. It is hard to describe what caused it but a force drew me inescapably towards the familiar forest. The walk there proved little strenuous and the bright sunlight made up for the early morning chill. Closer and closer my feet brought me towards a clearing between the trees. With firm steps and no hesitation I entered the wood, which greeted me with the smell of a fresh morning rain. Only a few sprinkles had still fallen when I had left the house but even these and had quickly ceased.

As soon as I entered into the forest, I stepped into a whole different world. Time seemed to slow down in this very moment and the further into the forest I wondered the stranger the trees began to look. A sudden chill of fear crept into my heart but when I heard the voice of birds singing, all fear was pushed away or rather transformed into a sense of dread.

I knew not were I was going but my feet kept pushing onward to an unknown destination. Darker and darker the wood grew and soon I had lost all sense of time or direction. By now my eyes had grown accustomed to the dark and had no need of sunlight to see the path. While I was progressing further and further away from the known regions of the woods, a still, small voice inside whispered: Father Sequoia, ask for Father Sequoia.

Puzzled by the meaning of this advice I kept on treading the soft ground. Each one of my steps left a mark in the grass. Whether I was dreaming or the trees really moved closer to me, I could afterwards never tell, but I could swear I saw trees moving.

Suddenly something or someone approached me. In the dark it was hard to tell but when it had drawn near enough I recognized him as a little squirrel. For some reason I was attracted to the squirrel and when he noticed, it appeared as though he performed a little dance to draw even more of my attention. A weird idea welled up in my soul: "Maybe I should talk to the squirrel." At first I tried to brush the thought away but after all, this was a strange forest and no one would ever know anyways. And so I said:

“Brother Squirrel, do you know Father Sequoia by any chance?”

There was no response at first and the squirrel only looked funny at me. I knew it was a stupid idea, I thought when the suddenly the squirrel addressed me:

“How do I know that I can trust you?” He said in a stern voice, one would not expect from a squirrel.

I hesitated. "Should I answer? What was I getting my self into here?" But now there was no turning back, I could not back out of this adventure. So I responded:

“There is o way for you to know whether you can trust me, you must take the risk.”

The Squirrel nodded and proceeded: “Alright, I will lead you to Father Sequoia, for only his friends know him by this name.”
So my weird companion and I marched on ever deeper into the forest, we changed directions frequently and I guessed that the squirrel was still mistrusting me and led me through a labyrinth, where none was. After seemed like hours the squirrel suddenly stopped and whispered:

“Be quiet! We are in the heart of the forest and we don’t want to wake what lives her.”

Then I lost my footing and without any resistance fell to my knees. Now I no longer even felt a sense of dread by simple awe overcame me and knelling was the only appropriate response. Had the previous events seems strange, there were no words to express what ensued now. It was terrible and yet magnificent.

Only now I noticed the huge tree standing tall in front of me. He was larger and older than any of the other trees I had ever seen and while I was still pondering his majesty a roaring voice form inside the tree addressed me:

“Son of Adam, why have you come?”

With trembling in my voice I asked:
“Are you Father Sequoia?”

“That I am but the better question is: Why have you come here?”

When I did not answer he added:

“Don’t fret my child! Ask the question deep within in your soul Not all questions are equal, for this one is more royal than all others.”

I did not know how to respond. Asking a question seemed so wrong and yet his voice resounded so convincingly within my ear. So I asked the one question that had born within my soul ever since I had entered the dark wood. Before I could even finish my consideration the question broke forth from my mouth and I heard myself say:

“Where you here when our Savior was born?”

Immediately the whole forest fell silent as all the trees and animals waited for Father Sequoia’s response. Such a question had not been heard in those woods for a very long time, so long no one even remembered.

Father Sequoia paused for what seemed eternity. Finally he began to speak with a voice so firm yet soft, so quiet yet distinct, so noble yet so humble:

“My dear Child, you have asked wisely and I will tell you all to your heart’s content.”

I sat down and listened for the longest time.

“I was there long before our Savior was born but despite my age I still remember that day like yesterday. But before I tell you the story, you need to know some things leading up to that night. When the first couple fell, I was there; when the first brother was slain, I was there; I saw empires rise and fall, all the while I always stood tall in this forest. Ever since that day when sin had entered our world, our Creator had placed a desire into our hearts, the groan of all creation for a Savior. For many thousands of years I waited, while I saw all other trees felled or die of old age, nevertheless I was privileged to remain.
Then one night the groan grew so intense and I lifted my eyes up to heaven. There I saw a star and I knew that the fulfillment of all our desires had come. All of my being rejoiced, my roots danced, my stomp and boughs roared with joy. Our Savior had been born! Oh, how we had longed for this moment and now finally we saw its fulfillment, our redemption was near. All the trees around the world resounded with praise for the newborn king. Many of my old fellows died that night after having seen their groan expressed and their hope fulfilled. But for me it was not yet time to die, I had much more to suffer still.”

In that moment another voice spoke up shyly and at first I did not know where it came from but as I looked closer I saw it coming from a little raindrop in one of Father Sequoia’s leaves. She said:

“And then and then the incredible happened. Many thousands of times had I risen into the atmosphere and fallen to the ground as rain again but never had I seen someone walk on water. Yet my Master walked on me on that lake in Galilee. Even more he calmed the storm when all hope seemed lost for his disciples. I, the little drop, have touched the King of all the Universe.”

When she had finished the grass under my feet began to talk as well:

“My great, great, great … granduncle grew on a the hills outside of Jerusalem, a place called Golgotha. Ever since, the story has been passed on in our family of how the master’s feet trod upon one of us, how this instance has crowned us.”

All the forest grew silent again as they all waited for the continuation of the story. They had listened intently to the unfolding of the story and some of the older trees had murmured in agreement. At last Father Sequoia spoke again:

“Much grief befell all of us when my brother’s wood was used to form the cross of our King. What pain? What outrage? How could the King of Glory die? Had we all hoped in vain when he breathed his last? Was our redemption only a fantasy? How could they crucify our Redeemer—nature’s call and creation’s groan?
The trees and the plants, all birds and beasts hung their head in grief and nature was silent for three whole days. But then the rocks cried out: 'He is risen—risen indeed!' At first we did not believe them, after all they are only rocks but then we saw it ourselves. Death was defeated and the Curse broken. Redemption had come and slavery ended for men as well as nature. Never before had creation rejoiced in such violent fashion, the roar resounded throughout the universe.
Ever since I have waited here to tell my story but no one ever seemed to care. At first people visited and asked questions but after a while people stopped coming at all and the forest fell silent and sad because we could not tell the story of Creation’s redeemer.”

The old tree fell silent and I could see that he was visible moved by the retelling of his story. Brother Squirrel came up to me and tugged my sleeve.

“It is time to leave, Father Sequoia is tired and his end is drawing near. Seven thousand years have left a mark on him. Now it is up to you to tell his story.”

Without further words he led me out of the wood and when I left the forest, I looked up and I saw the star.

What if...

What if the world would stop spinning
What if teams would stop winning
What if birds would stop singing
What if children would stop clinging

What if parents would stop caring
What if friends would stop sharing
What if lovers would stop loving
What if men would stop living

What if rivers would stop flowing
What if boats would stop rowing
What if lions would stop roaring
What if eagles would stop soaring

What if hearts would stop beating
What if stoves would stop heating
What if fire would stop burning
What if the world would stop turning

What if the world would stop
What if the world would
What if the world
What if the
What if
What

Even if all came to an end
One thing would yet remain

His love be still the same!

Walking down a street one night

Did you not see me?
I guess I am easy to miss!
Did you not see my need?
But why would you even care?
Did you not hear me when I called?
Maybe I did not shout loud enough?
Did you not notice my silent groan?
I can't blame you, no one ever does.
Did you not realize my desperation?
I wish you had stopped and asked.

Why did you not feed me when I was hungry?
You had food in plenty, I saw you throw it away.
Maybe I would not have gone hungry that night.
Why did you not clothe me when I was naked?
Your closet is full with things you don't need.
Maybe I would not have frozen in the cold.
Why did you not give me a cup of cold water when I thirsted?
You have all the drink you need.
Maybe I would not have gone hungry for the day.
Why did you not give me a home to sleep when I was homeless?
You have so many empty rooms in your house.
Maybe I would have felt safe for once that night.
Why did you not protect me when I was an orphan?
You looked like such a nice person.
Maybe I would have had a father once in my life.

Now it is too late, you have gone past me and never even stopped and looked.
Please look more careful when walking down a street next night!

Healing a heart hurts

Sitting in a dark room
In a world full of gloom
Many times a heart has beat
Before one finally takes a seat

Silencing the past
How long will it last
Facing future's distance
All in a single instance

The demons no longer hide
As a cry rises deep inside
Fighting is on the rise
If only one could be wise

Memories long buried
Brushed over and hurried
Now speak too loud
To stand the crowd

There is one hope
Holding on to His rope
He will pull me in
Finding safety deep within

A process has begun
And I no longer run
Friends will walk along
He'll wipe away the wrong

But remember:

Facing the future
Means facing the past
And healing a heart
Hurts!

Dreams

If Dreams could dream,
What would they dream?

If Dreams could smile,
Why would they smile?

If Dreams could dance,
What melody would be played?

If Dreams could be real,
What would reality look like?

If Dreams could invade our present,
How would we change?

If Dreams could never end,
When would they start?

A man in dire need of a gracious God

There are these moments in life when you are struck by your own foolishness and helplessness.

Today I had one of them:

Walking along the street, rain was falling gently on my face, I talked to my God.

Suddenly a song came to my mind and I started singing the words:

"I need you more,
More than yesterday,
I need you more,
More than ever before."

As I reflected on the words of the song I began to doubt whether they are actually true-do I need God more today than yesterday?

No, I don't! It is only due to my foolishness that I did not realize yesterday how much I actually need Him. This never changes. I need God in every situation, good or bad! In summer, winter, spring and fall! In the exciting times and in the every day normality of life!

He is my Creator, the Sustainer of Life. The One who gives me air to breathe, food to eat, rest at night! He is the One who upholds the whole universe by the word of His power. Every moment I live is owed to Him who made me!

I might forget this fact at times and then come back to realize it again but that does not mean that I need him more today than ever before. Before I was just to foolish to recognize my own helplessness.

This is so humbling but also incredibly encouraging because if all my life is owed to Him than why should I ever have to worry about anything, it is all in His hand.

I continued walking through the rain and this reality impressed itself so strongly on my heart that I felt I should share it.

These moments are moments of grace that allows us to grasp reality as it truly is and then we remember:

After all, I am still a man in dire need of a gracious God!

Grace like rain

Do we ever stop to consider?

Consider the grace that God pours over us every single day?

As Thanksgiving is approaching fast, which has always been my favorite holiday whenever I lived in the US, we should stop to consider his Grace.

Tomorrow, many of the people that I dearly love will get together and celebrate an early Thanksgiving dinner in Biola's Caf', for even this place can feel like home when there are people you love and who love you!

I am so grateful tonight for a million things but here are some of them.

For my roommate Andrew, for the friend he has become to me over the last year and half. For all the conversation with him when the lights are out and honesty prevails. For the oneness of mind, when we listen to our song: "Sunday, bloody Sunday."

For my bestfriend Hayden, such a man of God, one I would trust my life with any single moment. For all the deep and intimate moments we have had together in midst of the dark times of our time here but also the abundant laughter we shared.

For Scott, my short Asian friend, that has become so dear to me, much more than I usually let him know. Always seeking for the truth and willing to ask the hard question but also willing to seek advice.

For Jason, my other suitemate, one could not find a more faithful friend and companion than him. For six months he drove me to therapy and I will never be able to repay him for all he has done for me.

For Greg who only lives a few doors down from my room and whom I appreciate so much. Such a strong character and so willing to serve his king, always with an open ear and well-given advice, but also someone to rub shoulders with, which is good.

For Alex, my RA, but he is so much more than that to me. We were roommates in Berkeley and have become friends over this last year, besides the fact that we share in a common passion for soccer and for the kingdom.

For Michael, such a brilliant mind that has allowed me to see God's kingdom in a very different light this semester. I think I have never met a person so passionate about apologetics as him.

For Cody, though he had to switch out of our group this semester, there are still these moments of deep conversation and he is someone who always forces me think harder about God.

For all the girls in my group that have shown me what true Ladies look like and continue to astound me with their amazing talents.
Only today, did I find out about Kyle's soccer skills, how could she hide that so long from me, not only is she brilliant and beautiful but she can also play soccer.
For Carolyn, who always puts a smile on my face because she loves life and people but above all God.
For Anja because she forces me think harder and because she is not willing to settle for less, she is our mysterious lady.
For Alicia, force warrior princess, always willing to argue the impossible but not many make me seek truth more.
For Sydney, we had our struggles last year but I have come to appreciate her so much and I am not sure that I have ever let her now that fact.
For Lauren and the death glare but also her concern for all of us and her fine Victorian character.
For Karissa, the party woman of our group, she sets up so many birthday parties and any other event one could imagine, she is also like a sister to me.
For Sarah and her concern for truth but also her easy outlook on life that forces me to take myself less serious, for being so gracious with me this semester.
For Amanda, though I have not gotten to know her as much as the others due to the fact that she only joined us this semester but nevertheless have I appreciated all her insights.
The same rings true for Jessica but I owe her so much for being so food coordinator for Torrey Orientation.

For Jonathan, who lives across from me, because he forces me to go out of my self and put myself in his place.

For Peter Gross, my djavisa, because even though we don't see each other that much lately, there is still a deep connection and I really regret that we don't see each other enough.

For all the other guys on my hall because I have already experienced more community this semester than all of last year. Guys like Christ Pang or Chris Lang, Dustin McCurry and so many others.

For all the Torrey Freshmen and for the opportunity that I had this semester to serve them during Orientation and afterwards.

For Jane Lauterbach who was the best Coordinator ever.

For all the people in ICS who force me think on a very different level from my normal thinking.

For the amazing opportunity to study at Biola! I can't even express my gratefulness for this amazing gift of God.

For all my Torrey professors. But more than anyone Dr. Peters, so much more than an academic mentor-over the last year he has become a friend and spiritual mentor and not many people know me better. Thank you for Mr. Llizo, Ms. Schubert, Ms. Howington, Mr. Henderson, Dr. Sanders, Dr. Spears, Dr. Jenson, and especially Dr. Reynolds, for if not for him, I would not be here. Thank you for Hilary and Janna, an invaluable help for Orientation and any other question.

For my family back home though I don't get to see them but all the phone calls always encourage. My mom and dad for all the support over the last 22 years and for still backing me in prayer, even when I am so far. For Mirjam, whom I have not seen in a very long time and her husband Jens. For Debbie, little sister and beloved friend, how much I miss her. For Sara, how much closer have I grown to her this summer. For Joni, my brother, whom I struggle most not to see because I sometimes feel that I let him down. For Silas, the youngest, but so beloved. For my grandmas, Lord, may you lead them to the knowledge of You. For my uncle Werner who has made all this possible financially and for all my other relatives.

For my friends back home whom to count would take forever but who have a part in making me who I am today. Samu comes first, one of those special friends you really deserve. Wim another one, probably the friend that I have stayed in contact with the longest, man I love him. For Karin, a spiritual mother and a dear friend. Manu, there are not many man that I respect more than him nor love, and there is his wife Charlott and their wonderful kids. For Markus, how much he has meant to me over all these years, one of those people I will see somewhere in this world again. For Esther and Paul, my Russian brother, so dearly beloved, a warrior in prayer. For Thani, for Josh, for Jens and how many others. For Martin Steinraths, whom I have known since he was born. For Hr. Klein. For Dany and Anna. For Michael Schild. Forgive me, all those I forget.

For my soccer kids on Friday, the joy of my week.

For Hayden's parents who have made their home my home. I love them.

For the Sywulkas and their willingness to take care of me last year.

For the Warkentins who are to this day a second family to me and I hope to see them this winter again.

For Aaron, a friend who is there when you least expect him.

For Jeff and all the smiles he has put on my face this semester and for his fiancee Megan.

For the ability to play sports again after my devastating accident last year.

For God allowing me to finish all my classes or so it looks like and for all he has taught me this semester.

For the seasons of life: Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall.

For Kind words spoken into a wounded soul.


I could name so many more people but this list would never end but one person might have felt left out or forgotton but I didn't, for the last will be first.

I am grateful for Michelle Edmonds!


Grace like rain washes over my soul as I think about God's aboundant blessings and my gaze is turned upward and I see the Father smilling at me. He points somewhere and as I look, I see a mount with three crosses and on the middle Cross my Lord hangs and he calls out: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachtani-My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

In that moment I grasp the truth, in this one instant in history the Father Heart has been revealed more than any time prior or after. God's love made manifest.

Grace like rain washes over me and I am lost, no more words to say:

High Fantasy lost power and here broke off;
Yet, as a wheel moves smoothly, free from jars,
My will and my desire were turned by love,

The Love that moves the Sun and the other Stars.

The Song of Abraham

One early morning
Stirred by a deep yearning
I left the comfort of my tent
and followed a mysterious scent

The sky was clear
And no one else near
I heard a voice
Calling me to make a choice

All those dear to me
Never again would I see
Promise of a great nation
and blessing to all generation

Wife and nephew only
I wondered often lonely
To a land I did not know
Daily my faith would grow

Many years in that land
The promised on which I stand
No son had yet been born
How often I felt so forlorn

My wife and I too old
Had God really all this told
Son of my maid
Aside God had laid

All hope seemed lost
Despite the high price it cost
With a laughter full of scorn
A son Isaac was born

Oh, old heart's joy
Revived by that young boy
All his promises God would fulfill
It was a matter of divine will

It was a starless night
All the world seemed right
When the old, familiar voice
Called for another choice

My heart was torn
Give up the one just born
The Son of Promise and Calling
All my hopes were falling

I thought this was his plan
To work among my clan
My world is shred to pieces
My faith slowly ceases

But I will climb this hill
Surrender all my will
For His thoughts are higher
He is an all-consuming fire

No sleep came that night
For this was a hopeless fight
Obedience was a must
In God's power would I trust

From nothing was I made
Into nothing will I fade
Resurrect my son from death
Lies within the power of His breath

When morning finally came
My limps had become lame
Into my tent the boy ran
Oh Daddy, be my biggest fan

Tears welled up within my chest
Your daddy will no longer rest
Come gather some wood
We will travel far by foot

On and on we trudged
My son never grudged
Towards mount Moriah
We made our slow Alijah

Finally we on top arrive
One of us will not survive
The wood on top I stack
Ceaselessly my brain I rack

We have no animal, he says
The last piece of wood lays
My only son I tightly bind
Even then his eyes so kind

Above my head I lift the knife
To end most precious life
My son now fully understands
He will never roam through foreign lands

Streams of tears run down my cheek
Oh, how I want to drown in nearby creek
The knife reflects the burning sun
And all I want is run

Then, first faint and now clear
The old familiar voice speaks near
Abraham, Abraham
I answer: Here I am

Don't slay the boy
You have brought me joy
I know now that Me you fear
So look quickly to your rear

There caught in a bush I saw a ram
To replace the son of Abraham
A lamb became the offering
Died death of greatest suffering

Life that demands a response

There has been an urgency in my spirit this whole last week and thoughts have formed in my mind that I can longer suppress. They need to be expressed or written down.

In different conversations with very different people on different continents I have come to the same conclusion over and over again:

We need to live a life that demands a response!

When people meet me on the streets, at Starbucks, in the Cafeteria or anywhere on campus, does my life demand a response? No, it does not! People are indifferent about meeting me and the things I say. Their lives are not forever transformed.

Why is that?

The only explanation that I can find is that I am not enough with Jesus. His life always demanded a response. People either hated and rejected him or they loved him and accepted his message.

How can people be apathetic about what I say and the way I live my life? It lies in the fact that I am not enough with Him yet because if I were, they could no longer be indifferent.

It is time that people start to either hate me or accept the God of the universe who lives inside of me!

How different would this world look like? This nation? This campus? People would actually live lives that demanded a response because they are constantly with Jesus.

My university should either be loved or hated but not accepted, it should be a thorn in the side of California because the life of this university demands a response.

Am I living this life? No, I am far from it but I desire nothing more than this life that demands a response. Not because I desire a response but because I want to be with Jesus all the time.

Just be! Forget about doing things for him, cease from all my work and just be with him and let him do in me, through me, with me whatever might bring most glory to HIM and His Name!

Let us live this Life that demands a response-the life our Savior lived!

Child for a night

Tonight this exuberant sense of joy overcame me and I just wanted to do something crazy and out of my mind, I was ready for anything. Since shared joy is doubled joy and sharing joy with three other quadruples the joy, I invited three of my dearest friends to join me, not telling them to what mischievous things we would be up tonight.

The four of us slender along the path, when I started running and shouted "catch me if you can," and that is where the fun began. We ran to the soccer field, where we spinned around in circles like crazy till we would fall over each other and then we would lie in the grass and just look up into the sky. It was wonderful.

We lay there like a cross, head to head and looked up into the sky, praising our Maker and the One we love because he loved us first. We prayed, we rejoiced, we worshipped. It was a holy moment and the joy simply overcame me.

I got up and leapt around, danced around, frolicked like a man out of his mind and my friends joined me into this extravaganza. We sang songs about being undignified and unashamed and shouted out our love for Him.

Then we played catch and ran all over the field till there was no more energy left. Well, there was some left and so we pushed each other into the water sprinklers till we were thoroughly drenched.

It was so wonderful, being a child for a night again and not worrying about anything or anyone. Just me, my friends and our Maker!

And you know what?

He smiled at us from Heaven, seeing his children rejoice and be happy.

How do I know?

Well, out here in LA one is lucky to see a few stars, if one sees them at all but tonight. There were hundreds and thousands of stars clearly in the sky, one could no longer count them.

I leave you with a quote from Dante's Paradise

"High phantasy lost power and here broke off;
Yet, as a wheel moves smoothly, free from jars,
My will and my desire were turned by love,

The Love that moves the sun and the other stars."

Embracing the Seasons

This summer I rode up to Berkeley with Bob Martin and Lailani Brim, it was a fun time and we had some great conversations but one stuck out to me and has now come back to the forefront of mind. We were discussing the question: "Why are all the Californian authors so negative and depressing? Why is there so much darkness in their writing?"

We began talking about the fact that there are no real seasons in most part of California, as it is the sunshine state and people all over the world have the idea that it is always summer in California, not only outwardly but also inwardly. But life has seasons and if one denies these, one will suffer greatly when summer is no longer, maybe this was what the Californian authors wrestled with in their writing.

In my own life God has taught me once again to embrace the seasons of my life, as they are a vital and integral part of who I am and what his plan is for my life. Here are some poor reflections on this issue.


Embracing the seasons
Cherishing the change
Living life to its fullest
In the Hardships of Winter

Trees are barren in winter
And eagles don't fly
How cold it is outside
The world seems to stand still

But roots grow deep in winter
And eagles gather their strength
There is a fire gleaming inside
Maybe the world is waiting

Winter teaches us to wait
Our soul learns to trust
A voice says
Slow down-find rest

Embracing winter seems hard
Cherishing pain and sorrow
Life appears to have lost
And death has won

Remember in winter

Spring will come
Life again be bright
But without roots
Life will never last

Freedom

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

This last week God has revolutionized my whole thinking, my whole view of him and it excites me so much that even though I am really tired, I need to write it all down, may it profit you.

It is hard to put into order and it might all seem really confused when you read it but it all makes sense to me now, after having a long conversation with my friend Scott.

God has given man freedom to choose and he has given us Christians a freedom to choose and there is no sin for the Christian when it is done in faith because the law of sin and death does no longer apply to us. Anything done in faith cannot be sin, but...

"For whatever does not proceed form faith is sin." Romans 14:23

So the Christian only sins when he does not act in faith, when he does not desire the God's kingdom and his righteousness first, but rather lives not in faith.

The choice God has given us is like in Steinbeck's "East of Eden" timshel-thou mayest; he gives us freedom to choose and if we choose in faith, he is already guiding our path. He has given us the spirit of adoption and not of fear.

Today, I realized that I had lived in fear of my Heavenly Father, I was constantly afraid to offend him and make a wrong choice when he was actually saying

"All things are permissible (lawful) for me but not all are beneficial (helpful)." 1 Corinthians 6:12

I understood what he meant when he said

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36

Luther was right when he talked about the "Freedom of a Christian," we are free to all and yet bound to all. The second part I have been expounding for quite some time in my mind, what it means to be a servant of all but now God is teaching me what it means to be free.

My heart shouts, jumps for you, spins around and jubilee because the perfect love has cast out all fear.

What a beautiful thing it is to realize that

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

All is calm

I hear his voice calling
"It is me, Peter!
Don't you recognize me?"

It is the old familiar voice
The voice that I have heard all my life
A voice so sublime that I stop breathing
When He speaks.

"Step out on the water-
Don't you trust me?
Surely it will hold."

Everything in me wants to run towards him
But I hesitate, what if it is not him?
What if I am imagining all this?
My heart sinks within me.

Again his voice calls, more gently now
"My son, I have been waiting so long-
When will you stop running away from me?"

One last thought but nothing can hold me now
I step out of the boat.
My feet touch the cold water
And I begin to walk.

I call out to him
"I am coming, sweet Lord
Wait for me, I am coming."

The waves are rising high on both sides
Fear rises within me
My eyes lose sight of him in midst of the waves
And I begin to sink.

Desperately I call out to him
"Dear Lord, I want to come,
But I am sinking, please save me."

Through the mist and the darkness
I see a hand reaching out to me.
He takes my hand and pulls me up-
a gentle smile on his lips.

Very near now he whispers
"My son, do you trust me,
will you walk with me wherever I go?"

My eyes rise higher until I see the stars
Then I notice something strange,
They seem to reflect a light
And it comes from him who holds my hand.

Between tears I utter
"Papa, I want to trust,
I want to walk this road with you."

As I look around me
Something has changed.
Everything is silent-
All is calm.

The sweetest voice ever heard says to me
"Peace I leave with you;
my peace I give to you."

Why run?

A friend asked me a question the other day and he was the second friend to ask me that question as of late:

Why are you running away?

If I knew, I would have given an answer but I just did not know.

Running seems like such a good option at first glance but the more you consider it the less attractive it becomes.

Why run?

Why not confront the demons that are hunting me?

Why not deal with the past that seems so dark?

Why not face the future that is looming over the horizon?

Why not step out on the water and walk?

Why run?

Can we ever be certain of anything?

In a discussion with two very wise friends, we came to this conclusion and it seems so true. In this life we can never be certain propositionally but we can be certain positionally.

What does that mean?

We can know that he is God and that we are his children. Be sure that he is in control and that he will catch us when we fall?
Our end is secure, our relationship is sealed but beyond that...

Would it be faith, if we could be absolutely certain, wouldn't it just be obedience?

It is a dreadful thing to step out on the water. It scares me so much. But then I see Jesus and he says:

Why are you running away from me? Step out on the water and walk with me!

Why run, if he calls?

When God speaks

When God speaks~
We should hear it
But what if our hearts
Can no longer hear his voice

Stille~
So schwer zu ertragen
und doch so lebensnotwendig
Wie die Luft zum Atmen
Wie das Wasser zum Trinken

Einsamkeit~
Du bist so allein
und doch so reich umgeben
Leben ohne Menschen
Menschen ohne Leben

When God speaks~
He whispers gently
Screams loudly
Telling silence

Sehnsucht~
Wer kann sie stillen
ohne sie zu ersticken
Feuer voller Hoffnung
Glaube voller Freude

Friede~
Die Seele kommt zu Ruhe
wissend das Du weisst
Erkannt und doch geliebt

When God speaks~
He knows us
Gives answers needed
Never expected responses

Gebet~
Tiefe Gewissheit "Er hört"
Antworten unverstanden
Denoch tief verstanden

Perspektiven~
Träume realisieren
Realität träumen
Denn ER IST

When God speaks~
He speaks
Will I hear
Step out on the water

Heaven

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

What does that mean? It sounds so beautiful but how does this really look like?

After talking to a very good friend today, I began thinking about this and here are my thoughts:

In Heaven we will all understand each other perfectly. There will be no more miscommunication and no more misunderstandings. No more harsh words and quick judgments. We will all understand and be understood. No language barriers will hinder us from expressing what we really want to say.

In Heaven we will know each other perfectly. We will know as we are known by Him. Differences will no longer separate us from intimate fellowship. Age, gender, and race won't divide us any longer but rather add to the beauty of heaven. No more hidden thoughts or unspoken words-we will simply know each other.

In Heaven we will see each other perfectly. We will see each other as God sees us and we will be overwhelmed by the beauty of God's goodness. Beyond the outside facade our eyes will see and transparency and honesty will rule all of our days. Perfect vision will be granted in the sight of Him who is perfect light.

Why does this all matter?

It seems as though pain results when people misunderstand each other. Tears flow when we don't know each other. Mourning and crying are born from our imperfect vision.


I am longing to understand, know, see each of you, my friends, perfectly but until then, please forgive me for coming short. Forgive me for miscommunicating, for unwise words, for rash judgments and dull vision. Forgive me that I don't see you as you truly are, don't know you through and through, don't understand you as you deserve to be understand. Please have mercy on me and help me to get a step closer to truly know, understand and see you are due.

I love you, my friends!

When longing consumes you

A burning passion is rising within my soul
For a long time it had only been coals preserving the heat
But a fresh wind is blowing on it
And the sparks are flying high

Beyond expression are the desires within me
Wanting to scream but there are no words to scream
Tears have been my daily bread
While my soul was wasting away

There is wind in those sails blowing hard
The road is sloping down and my bike has no breaks
What will stop the things that have begun
A longing that consumes all that I am

Things above call for my attention
While this earth is slowly fading out of view
Seeing as He sees this world
May his eyes be my guide

A quiet voice calls me almost inaudible
But my whole being is drawn to it
Crying "Abba-Loving Father"
Strong arms are waiting

No more days, no more nights
A life lived for the One I love
Who loved me first
And calls me his Son

The weeping warrior's smile

There in the High Tower of the Castle Lord Kartan rose from his knees, all the world was holding its breath waiting. The tears on his face had not yet tried but reflected the rays of sunlight into all directions. No whisper was heard as he descended down the steps of the tower into the open court of the castle.

Nothing had changed but something was different.

There was fire in his eyes, fire so bright that even the sun could not compete with the intensity displayed in Lord Kartan's eyes. He ordered his former servant to bring his old stallion who rejoiced at the sight of his master. The stallion kneeled down allowing Lord Kartan to mount and then rose to full height, proudly presenting his Lord. Drawn sword in his hand Lord Kartan rode out of the deserted castle into the open country, the stallion's feet were flying over the green grass.

Alone he and his stallion rode towards their destiny, he would not rest till he had avenged his parent's death and freed his beautiful bride, not even death or hell would stop him now.

As he crossed the mountains surrounding his castle, he blew his horn, the horn of friendship and from distant mountain peeks echoed the response. His friends had heard him and would meet him at the appointed place.

Lord Kartan drew his sword and then commanded his stallion to run as swift as the wind.

Rushing down the mountain into uncertainty, war and death, something odd happened, his eyes burned even brighter.

And he smiled.

When Warriors Weep III

There he sat broken and blind
The water streamed down is aching body
Tears mixed with the gentle stroke of the shower
There sat the wounded warrior and wept

Wept like there would be no tomorrow
Worlds faded slowly in front of his eyes
Within this moment he was lost and as he
Wept a song rose in his heart

Heart so confused, so deeply wounded
Heaven seemed far and yet so near
"Help" he cried but no one answered
Heart in dismay for no one to see

See the sky, even the sun seems to hide
Smile, how could he smile when
Sorrows towering so high over his head
See the heart and hear his cries

Cries so silent, so desperate
Can this heart be healed
Child, why are you so hurt
Cries no one can bear

Bear with me, my friends
Because the valley seems so dark
Borrow a sword and fight
Bear it bravely, for I need You

You I have loved so deeply
You never saw that I was week
Yet there remains no strength in me
You I need or all else is failing

Failing to see, failing to hear
Falling but no longer rising
Friends, where are you
Failing here will mean the end

End of all hopes, end of all dreams
Eat drink and be merry
Erring to see the light
End here or end there

There he sat broken and blind
The water streamed down is aching body
Tears mixed with the gentle stroke of the shower
There sat the wounded warrior and wept

And a gentle whisper says:
"I have heard, I have seen, I will speak, I will act,
but more than that I feel what you feel, my son!"

But "how?" he cried

"My son, you need to die in every way."

"It is so hard."

"My son, is that a price you are willing to pay?"

And the weeping warrior sang the words of a friend:
"And even if that means that I need to die in every way,
I wanna tell you, Jesus, that this is a price I am willing to pay."

Teach me to wait.

Teach me to trust.

Teach me to know not knowing.

Teach me certain uncertainty.

What else could I pray?

Why?

Why does the Lord have to make my life so complicate?
Why can't he just for once reveal all things clear?
Why is it that everyone gets it and I don't?
Why does he speak only in riddles?
Why can't one day be simple?
Why is life not different?
Why are you hiding?
Why my Lord?
Why Lord?
Why?
Where?
Where Lord?
When my Lord?
Where am I hiding?
Where find I life's fullest?
When will my days be free?
Where do all things become clear?
Where will we no longer be different?
When will I be able to see Him and his ways?
Where will I know him and all is well with my soul?

Death

What is death~
But the fulfillment of all I hope
The end of all I desire
Freedom from all I loath

What is a knife~
But the path to that fulfillment
The road to all ends
The doorway to freedom

What is life~
But the culmination of all my sorrows
The memorial of all my pains
Wounds so deep never healed

What is a cliff
But the first step to flying
Never again to fall
Finally safe, finally free

What is Losing life~
But only gaining what I was made for
Ending all that keeps me from it
Escape from the prison that holds me so tight

What is death~
But a new beginning
A beginning without end
A life everlasting

Why, O my soul

This morning my roommate Andrew read me a little passage from Anselm's Prayer to Christ, since then I have read it again and again. May you be blessed as you read these words and contemplate on the depths of their meaning.


Why, O my soul, were you not there
to be pierced by a sword of bitter sorrow
when you could not bear
the piercing of the side of your Savior with a lance?
Why could you not bear to see
the nails violate the hands and feet of your Creator?
Why did you not see with horror
the blood that poured out of the side of your Redeemer?
Why were you not drunk with bitter tears
when they gave him bitter gall to drink?
Why did you not share
the sufferings of the most pure virgin,
his worthy mother and your gentle lady?

Later on it says...

What shall I say? What shall I do? Whither should I go?
Where shall I seek him? Where and when shall I find him?
Whom shall I ask? Who will tell me of my beloved?
'for I am sick from love'.
'The joy of my heart fails me';
my laughter 'is turned to mourning';
'my heart and my flesh fail me';
'but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever.'
'My soul refuses confort,' unless from you, my dear.
'Whom have I in heaven but you,
and what do I desire upon earth besides you?"
I want you, I hope for you, I seek you;
'to you my heart has said, seek my face';
'your face, Lord, have I sought;
turn not your face from me.'

At then it ends...

Lord, meawhile, let my tears be my meat day and night,
until they say to me, 'Behold your God,'
until I hear, 'Soul, behold your bridegroom.'
Meanwhile, let me be fed with griefs,
andlet my tears be my drink;
comfort me with sorrows.
Perhaps then my Redeemer will come to me,
for he is good;
he is kind, he will not tarry,
to whom be glory for ever. Amen.


From "The Prayers and Meditions of Saint Anselm"

What is a tear?

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

Water~
It is only a small drop
to insignificant to even be noticed
All the oceans and seas
Isn't there enough water in this world?

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

Salt~
It is only a tiny amount
to quickly desolved for one to care
Though the world needs salt
Or none of us would live.

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

The world~
It holds all of it
The dreams and fears
The joys and sorrows
And my heart within.

If one tear is shed
Who could ever restore it?

Maybe You~
The one who holds the sun
the stars and the moon in his hand
The one who made all this
And my heart within.

If one tear is shed
Who could ever restore it?

Maybe they~
Who caused the tear to fall
By words and actions
Too hard to bear
For the wounded heart within.

If one tear is shed
Who could ever restore it?

Maybe you~
But it was for you
That the tear was shed
Not for you that
This heart was broken.

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

Me~
All my life is fading away
And all there is left
Is one small tear
Fallen to the ground.

The old Dragon

Weary Eyes gazed into the distant horizon
Heavy limbs protested against every movement
Dry nostrils breathed its last cloud of smoke

Endless days and nights these eyes had seen
Thousand times these limbs had lifted him up
Hundred villages these nostrils had burned

Hungry jaws fletched one last time
Broken wings depraved of strength fo fly
Moveless tail had lost its will to fight

Countless warriors these jaws had eaten
Lofty heigths these wings had seen
Vicious knights this tail had killed

Now he lay there, weary and tired
No more knights he would fight
No more warriors he would kill

Now he lay there, exhausted and lame
No more countries he would lay waste
No more castles he would destroy

Now he lay there, silent and numb
No more maides he would rob
No more ladies he would steal

He opened his eyes one last time
And it seemed as though the heavens wept
When this old and dreadful dragon died

When Warriors Weep II

It was a quite and peaceful morning. The sun was not yet strong enough to push brother fog out of the way and so a light mist remained over the valley. The birds sang a silent song as Lord Kartan slowly rode over the green hills. Those hills he had not seen for many years and as he passed over the highest point of the northern ascent, he told his horse: "Speed up, my friend, we are almost home. Finally were we wanted to be all these years." The old horse ignored her aching bones and galloped down into the valley near where she was born and where she would now die. The crusades had left her mark on the proud horse and she no longer desired adventure, only to die in peace upon the green hills of her master.

Eager expectation filled the face of Lord Kartan who had waited so long for his very moment, to be united with the bride of his youth, whom he had left only to follow his King. Now it was their time, time to enjoy, time to frollic and to praise the one who had made them. His face had grown weary during those years of constant battle, he no longer looked like the boy that had left his father seven years ago, no he had become a man and even the strongest could not withstand his sword. But even could not save his king from the ambush that had cost his life, what would he give to be in the place of his king.

The closer he came to the little castle that he called his home, the more pressing the silence he grew but Kartan did not notice, so eager was he to return home. Not even when he saw the doors standing wide open, he found nothing unusual. He jumped off his horse and walked up the steps to the banquet room where he expected everyone to be since no one had greeted him at the door. Something wonderful must have happen and his heart began to pound madly with excitement, for he would only add to their joy.

He entered the room and still there was silence, silence of death, silence of unutterable grief and now he woke as from a deep sleep. No one was there, no voice was heard. Running quickly out of the castle he stumbled down the steps only to bump into an old beggar. At first he was inclined to push him out of the way but then he restrained himself and looked closer. The longer he looked, the more familiar the face appeared to him, when the old beggar spoke:

"Is it you, Lord Kartan?" "Yes, it is me, Cassius." He had recognized his old servant and suddenly it dawned upon him seeing his servant dressed like a beggar. Breaking out in tears Cassius uttered: "I am so sorry, they are all gone. I have buried your father and mother with my own hands. Your bride..." There he broke off but he needed to speak no further, Kartan knew.

Madly he rushed up to the High Tower of the Castle and there in the top room he fell on his knees and cried, cried like the world had no end. Serving his king he had lost his family, his servants and the love of his life had been carried off into foreign lands. The wailing of Kartan echoed through the whole valley and no bird sang, neither did the wind blow or the rivers rush, while this warrior wept.

When Warriors Weep

There are those times in your life when things don't make sense...

Those times when the Lord says: "Wait!" But all you want to do is run.

There are those times when darkness seems to cover all our horizon...

Those times when the Lord says: "Be still!" But silence seems unendurable.

There are those times when warriors weep and dragons die...

Those times when and the Lord says: "I am strong." But weakness fills our limbs.

How can we live in those times?

Do you know?