Heaven

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

What does that mean? It sounds so beautiful but how does this really look like?

After talking to a very good friend today, I began thinking about this and here are my thoughts:

In Heaven we will all understand each other perfectly. There will be no more miscommunication and no more misunderstandings. No more harsh words and quick judgments. We will all understand and be understood. No language barriers will hinder us from expressing what we really want to say.

In Heaven we will know each other perfectly. We will know as we are known by Him. Differences will no longer separate us from intimate fellowship. Age, gender, and race won't divide us any longer but rather add to the beauty of heaven. No more hidden thoughts or unspoken words-we will simply know each other.

In Heaven we will see each other perfectly. We will see each other as God sees us and we will be overwhelmed by the beauty of God's goodness. Beyond the outside facade our eyes will see and transparency and honesty will rule all of our days. Perfect vision will be granted in the sight of Him who is perfect light.

Why does this all matter?

It seems as though pain results when people misunderstand each other. Tears flow when we don't know each other. Mourning and crying are born from our imperfect vision.


I am longing to understand, know, see each of you, my friends, perfectly but until then, please forgive me for coming short. Forgive me for miscommunicating, for unwise words, for rash judgments and dull vision. Forgive me that I don't see you as you truly are, don't know you through and through, don't understand you as you deserve to be understand. Please have mercy on me and help me to get a step closer to truly know, understand and see you are due.

I love you, my friends!

When longing consumes you

A burning passion is rising within my soul
For a long time it had only been coals preserving the heat
But a fresh wind is blowing on it
And the sparks are flying high

Beyond expression are the desires within me
Wanting to scream but there are no words to scream
Tears have been my daily bread
While my soul was wasting away

There is wind in those sails blowing hard
The road is sloping down and my bike has no breaks
What will stop the things that have begun
A longing that consumes all that I am

Things above call for my attention
While this earth is slowly fading out of view
Seeing as He sees this world
May his eyes be my guide

A quiet voice calls me almost inaudible
But my whole being is drawn to it
Crying "Abba-Loving Father"
Strong arms are waiting

No more days, no more nights
A life lived for the One I love
Who loved me first
And calls me his Son

The weeping warrior's smile

There in the High Tower of the Castle Lord Kartan rose from his knees, all the world was holding its breath waiting. The tears on his face had not yet tried but reflected the rays of sunlight into all directions. No whisper was heard as he descended down the steps of the tower into the open court of the castle.

Nothing had changed but something was different.

There was fire in his eyes, fire so bright that even the sun could not compete with the intensity displayed in Lord Kartan's eyes. He ordered his former servant to bring his old stallion who rejoiced at the sight of his master. The stallion kneeled down allowing Lord Kartan to mount and then rose to full height, proudly presenting his Lord. Drawn sword in his hand Lord Kartan rode out of the deserted castle into the open country, the stallion's feet were flying over the green grass.

Alone he and his stallion rode towards their destiny, he would not rest till he had avenged his parent's death and freed his beautiful bride, not even death or hell would stop him now.

As he crossed the mountains surrounding his castle, he blew his horn, the horn of friendship and from distant mountain peeks echoed the response. His friends had heard him and would meet him at the appointed place.

Lord Kartan drew his sword and then commanded his stallion to run as swift as the wind.

Rushing down the mountain into uncertainty, war and death, something odd happened, his eyes burned even brighter.

And he smiled.

When Warriors Weep III

There he sat broken and blind
The water streamed down is aching body
Tears mixed with the gentle stroke of the shower
There sat the wounded warrior and wept

Wept like there would be no tomorrow
Worlds faded slowly in front of his eyes
Within this moment he was lost and as he
Wept a song rose in his heart

Heart so confused, so deeply wounded
Heaven seemed far and yet so near
"Help" he cried but no one answered
Heart in dismay for no one to see

See the sky, even the sun seems to hide
Smile, how could he smile when
Sorrows towering so high over his head
See the heart and hear his cries

Cries so silent, so desperate
Can this heart be healed
Child, why are you so hurt
Cries no one can bear

Bear with me, my friends
Because the valley seems so dark
Borrow a sword and fight
Bear it bravely, for I need You

You I have loved so deeply
You never saw that I was week
Yet there remains no strength in me
You I need or all else is failing

Failing to see, failing to hear
Falling but no longer rising
Friends, where are you
Failing here will mean the end

End of all hopes, end of all dreams
Eat drink and be merry
Erring to see the light
End here or end there

There he sat broken and blind
The water streamed down is aching body
Tears mixed with the gentle stroke of the shower
There sat the wounded warrior and wept

And a gentle whisper says:
"I have heard, I have seen, I will speak, I will act,
but more than that I feel what you feel, my son!"

But "how?" he cried

"My son, you need to die in every way."

"It is so hard."

"My son, is that a price you are willing to pay?"

And the weeping warrior sang the words of a friend:
"And even if that means that I need to die in every way,
I wanna tell you, Jesus, that this is a price I am willing to pay."

Teach me to wait.

Teach me to trust.

Teach me to know not knowing.

Teach me certain uncertainty.

What else could I pray?

Why?

Why does the Lord have to make my life so complicate?
Why can't he just for once reveal all things clear?
Why is it that everyone gets it and I don't?
Why does he speak only in riddles?
Why can't one day be simple?
Why is life not different?
Why are you hiding?
Why my Lord?
Why Lord?
Why?
Where?
Where Lord?
When my Lord?
Where am I hiding?
Where find I life's fullest?
When will my days be free?
Where do all things become clear?
Where will we no longer be different?
When will I be able to see Him and his ways?
Where will I know him and all is well with my soul?

Death

What is death~
But the fulfillment of all I hope
The end of all I desire
Freedom from all I loath

What is a knife~
But the path to that fulfillment
The road to all ends
The doorway to freedom

What is life~
But the culmination of all my sorrows
The memorial of all my pains
Wounds so deep never healed

What is a cliff
But the first step to flying
Never again to fall
Finally safe, finally free

What is Losing life~
But only gaining what I was made for
Ending all that keeps me from it
Escape from the prison that holds me so tight

What is death~
But a new beginning
A beginning without end
A life everlasting

Why, O my soul

This morning my roommate Andrew read me a little passage from Anselm's Prayer to Christ, since then I have read it again and again. May you be blessed as you read these words and contemplate on the depths of their meaning.


Why, O my soul, were you not there
to be pierced by a sword of bitter sorrow
when you could not bear
the piercing of the side of your Savior with a lance?
Why could you not bear to see
the nails violate the hands and feet of your Creator?
Why did you not see with horror
the blood that poured out of the side of your Redeemer?
Why were you not drunk with bitter tears
when they gave him bitter gall to drink?
Why did you not share
the sufferings of the most pure virgin,
his worthy mother and your gentle lady?

Later on it says...

What shall I say? What shall I do? Whither should I go?
Where shall I seek him? Where and when shall I find him?
Whom shall I ask? Who will tell me of my beloved?
'for I am sick from love'.
'The joy of my heart fails me';
my laughter 'is turned to mourning';
'my heart and my flesh fail me';
'but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever.'
'My soul refuses confort,' unless from you, my dear.
'Whom have I in heaven but you,
and what do I desire upon earth besides you?"
I want you, I hope for you, I seek you;
'to you my heart has said, seek my face';
'your face, Lord, have I sought;
turn not your face from me.'

At then it ends...

Lord, meawhile, let my tears be my meat day and night,
until they say to me, 'Behold your God,'
until I hear, 'Soul, behold your bridegroom.'
Meanwhile, let me be fed with griefs,
andlet my tears be my drink;
comfort me with sorrows.
Perhaps then my Redeemer will come to me,
for he is good;
he is kind, he will not tarry,
to whom be glory for ever. Amen.


From "The Prayers and Meditions of Saint Anselm"

What is a tear?

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

Water~
It is only a small drop
to insignificant to even be noticed
All the oceans and seas
Isn't there enough water in this world?

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

Salt~
It is only a tiny amount
to quickly desolved for one to care
Though the world needs salt
Or none of us would live.

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

The world~
It holds all of it
The dreams and fears
The joys and sorrows
And my heart within.

If one tear is shed
Who could ever restore it?

Maybe You~
The one who holds the sun
the stars and the moon in his hand
The one who made all this
And my heart within.

If one tear is shed
Who could ever restore it?

Maybe they~
Who caused the tear to fall
By words and actions
Too hard to bear
For the wounded heart within.

If one tear is shed
Who could ever restore it?

Maybe you~
But it was for you
That the tear was shed
Not for you that
This heart was broken.

If one could catch a single tear
What would one find?

Me~
All my life is fading away
And all there is left
Is one small tear
Fallen to the ground.

The old Dragon

Weary Eyes gazed into the distant horizon
Heavy limbs protested against every movement
Dry nostrils breathed its last cloud of smoke

Endless days and nights these eyes had seen
Thousand times these limbs had lifted him up
Hundred villages these nostrils had burned

Hungry jaws fletched one last time
Broken wings depraved of strength fo fly
Moveless tail had lost its will to fight

Countless warriors these jaws had eaten
Lofty heigths these wings had seen
Vicious knights this tail had killed

Now he lay there, weary and tired
No more knights he would fight
No more warriors he would kill

Now he lay there, exhausted and lame
No more countries he would lay waste
No more castles he would destroy

Now he lay there, silent and numb
No more maides he would rob
No more ladies he would steal

He opened his eyes one last time
And it seemed as though the heavens wept
When this old and dreadful dragon died

When Warriors Weep II

It was a quite and peaceful morning. The sun was not yet strong enough to push brother fog out of the way and so a light mist remained over the valley. The birds sang a silent song as Lord Kartan slowly rode over the green hills. Those hills he had not seen for many years and as he passed over the highest point of the northern ascent, he told his horse: "Speed up, my friend, we are almost home. Finally were we wanted to be all these years." The old horse ignored her aching bones and galloped down into the valley near where she was born and where she would now die. The crusades had left her mark on the proud horse and she no longer desired adventure, only to die in peace upon the green hills of her master.

Eager expectation filled the face of Lord Kartan who had waited so long for his very moment, to be united with the bride of his youth, whom he had left only to follow his King. Now it was their time, time to enjoy, time to frollic and to praise the one who had made them. His face had grown weary during those years of constant battle, he no longer looked like the boy that had left his father seven years ago, no he had become a man and even the strongest could not withstand his sword. But even could not save his king from the ambush that had cost his life, what would he give to be in the place of his king.

The closer he came to the little castle that he called his home, the more pressing the silence he grew but Kartan did not notice, so eager was he to return home. Not even when he saw the doors standing wide open, he found nothing unusual. He jumped off his horse and walked up the steps to the banquet room where he expected everyone to be since no one had greeted him at the door. Something wonderful must have happen and his heart began to pound madly with excitement, for he would only add to their joy.

He entered the room and still there was silence, silence of death, silence of unutterable grief and now he woke as from a deep sleep. No one was there, no voice was heard. Running quickly out of the castle he stumbled down the steps only to bump into an old beggar. At first he was inclined to push him out of the way but then he restrained himself and looked closer. The longer he looked, the more familiar the face appeared to him, when the old beggar spoke:

"Is it you, Lord Kartan?" "Yes, it is me, Cassius." He had recognized his old servant and suddenly it dawned upon him seeing his servant dressed like a beggar. Breaking out in tears Cassius uttered: "I am so sorry, they are all gone. I have buried your father and mother with my own hands. Your bride..." There he broke off but he needed to speak no further, Kartan knew.

Madly he rushed up to the High Tower of the Castle and there in the top room he fell on his knees and cried, cried like the world had no end. Serving his king he had lost his family, his servants and the love of his life had been carried off into foreign lands. The wailing of Kartan echoed through the whole valley and no bird sang, neither did the wind blow or the rivers rush, while this warrior wept.

When Warriors Weep

There are those times in your life when things don't make sense...

Those times when the Lord says: "Wait!" But all you want to do is run.

There are those times when darkness seems to cover all our horizon...

Those times when the Lord says: "Be still!" But silence seems unendurable.

There are those times when warriors weep and dragons die...

Those times when and the Lord says: "I am strong." But weakness fills our limbs.

How can we live in those times?

Do you know?

Beauty

What is the mean between beauty and efficiency?

What is the mean between beauty and functionality?

What is the mean between beauty and expediency?

What does it mean for our Lord to say to us:

You have done a beautiful thing to me!

Of irritations and surprises

To you know those moments when you learn something that changes your life drastically?

I had many of those moments within the past 10 days and it rocked my world.

One thing is this, the concept of irritations and surprises--it works like this


Surprise (Excess)

Norm

Irritation (Deprevation)

Everyone has certain norms and expectations in their lives, usually they are connected with family, friends and culture.
If something happens during the day that exceeds our norms, we will be surprised, if it falls short of our norms, we are irritated.

Example from my life:

When I meet new people here in the States, they are usually very friendly right away, which surprises me since in my own culture people would be a lot more reserved.
The friendship progresses and since we were on such friendly terms right from the start, I open myself up and expect to go deeper in our friendship because that's what people do where I grew up once they give up their reservations and become friendly. Now they share deep friendships. Here I often overwhelm people with my openness, while I am irritated because they are not becoming as vulnerable and open.

All our days are full of these situations and it is good to know that these are natural things based on our differences.

I realize that I can't jump to my conclusion and go so far because people are not ready for that yet.


I am only beginning to understand how different I am from the culture I live in and it frustrates me, it hurts me and it reveals to me sides and evils within my heart that I never knew were there.
My professor encouragement me by making so clear that I am just going through the most natural thing that happens when you live in a different culture. Now is the time to recognize my depression and to find ways of growing out of the depths that I have been finding myself in for many months now.

God still loves me, even though I seem incapable of getting my act together.

I am such a fool

I don't understand God!

Even though I am such a fool and prideful man he seems to still love me!

Love me so much that he answers mountains on my behalf. As one of the characters in my story expresses it:

"The story of love, love magnificent, love self-giving, love in defeat ultimately triumphing."

I do not deserve any of what he does in my life and still he showers his mercies upon me.

I am such a fool, yet he loves me!

The man who nailed his hands and his feet to that rugged cross!

Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner!